I felt called to the “priesthood” years ago, that is old news and it never led anywhere. Whether because of my own character flaws (probably) or partly because of how oppressive the “church” is (undoubtably) or because God had some sort of other plan in mind all along. Who knows?
I don’t like church much. I do like church people but most “liturgies” are dead and deadening, a waste of my precious time and an obstacle to worship. Harsh criticism I know! I belong to 3 churches because of the people and because at times I seem to need to glean tiny scraps of theology and worship that fall from the tables of an all too capitalist all too patriarchal table that ought to be laden with grace but more often is overladen with duty, judgement, blame and a sort of impotent fatalism.
I seem to still read theological books and articles “for fun” or something. Some inner compulsion. To pray the bible and the psalm and various spiritual poets within my meditations on nature and relationship and Godhead. As a disillusioned, rejected feminist, lesbian I need to speak of God as “She”. I need to give myself permission to know and love what is female although of course it would be more ideal to move beyond gender completely.
Even so I feel called, to speak the word and to write my musings. If it is the sin of “pride” to think my thoughts could be useful to someone else then God will forgive me with a kind giggle of solidarity, knowing everything I have been through. Anyone who reads what I think and feel is free to think and feel differently, to find criticisms with my reflections.
If anyone ever is allowed to preach then I am also allowed. I have no pulpit. But She lights a fire in my heart and opens a torrent of words out of my need and my brokenness.
She is my Beauty and my Truth. Holy Wisdom the faithful.