But I am impatient, in my listening I want to rush into a reassurance, I want you to let me know I am loved and secure that you will carry me. I want to hear the soundtrack of the Creator and Wisdom dancingly creating the world, the cry of relief at incarnation, skip all the events of persecution and suffering and death (who needs things like that) and listen to the triumphant cry of life restored.
I want a cop-out, for me to be a Disney princess and be saved but you wait and say nothing because you know I am not really able to take that role anyway. It’s not in me, it is not the name the Creator called me when she whispered to you the secrets, the integrity behind all things that as humans we are too hurried and sometimes miss.
Too many words. I need to make a space to listen. To listen slowly and without jumping to conclusions.
There is a space between things sometimes that is just empty of thought and content. There is the time a caterpillar spends in its chrysalis as a sort of goo or intelligent soup that is no longer caterpillar but not yet butterfly.
There is a time when someone we love takes a long and painful time to die or a time just after a death or ending when in exhaustion we feel nothing. On a smaller scale there is my experience of having had my article rejected by the peer reviewers (quite justifiably). I am caught up with no energy or inspiration, an absence of advice what to do next but all this work I have done and my disinclination to be “finished”.
That is a creative space (the butterfly is proof of this as is the shoot that sprouts when you bury the seed. Cliches maybe, but also true symbols of the pause between being called and our capacity to respond.
I of little faith must job-search this week (around continuing to work one more week in my present position) and because doing my blog reflection is a hundred times more fun then if I allow myself to keep it as a responsibility I will spend hours here and then end up with no job.
If/when I am assured of 30 hours of reasonably paid work (or fewer hours of well paid work) for the coming week then I will with joy come and write my blog. I hope that my blog pleases or amuses God but I know that not paying my bills and not feeding my child wouldn’t.
Anyone who reads this keep me in your prayers and I will get back to ranting ASAP.