The “best interests of children” is not best determined by bishops.

Did anyone notice I didn’t post a blog last week? Now I have a sermon (ok a “reflection” because only boys can write “sermons” in my church) to write and I feel on the one hand full of the hope and happiness of what I want to say about the readings this week coming, and on the other point blocked up…theologically constipated as though last week I didn’t manage to get out what I needed to say and I am now sick with it. It will probably lack coherency but I will cry and I will write it.

What I wanted to say, I started writing a few times in a few different ways. I couldn’t come into the part of the liturgy I was “due” to write about because I feel profoundly angry and sad and resentful at the church and sort of not in synch with them. But it’s complicated because I am absolutely in synch with my lovely community who affirm me and challenge me and act like sisters and mothers and such to me.

I am still finding it hard to write about my anger and pain but the whole thing was compounded today by what I view to be a HUGE piece of hypocrisy. This (trigger warning, this has made people depressed and even suicidal so be careful if you want to read it closely).

In a nutshell, this document from the Catholic bishops of Australia paints gay marriage as a threat to family life and to children. Yep! Apparently they don’t see anything tragically ironic about talking about “the wellbeing of children”p6 and “the best interests of children” p8 and the rest of the time wax eloquent about the wonderful and important place of mothers and fathers (which with qualifications I agree with) and generally how much we should all celebrate the huge “difference” between men and women and the lovely celebration of gender binary that marriage is meant to be and sorry gay people you miss out with your “friendships” that are not as awesome as all the “differences” that people can only “enjoy” in their “masculinity” and “femininity”.

Speaking for myself I never have enjoyed the “femininity” which has been imposed on me nor the “masculinity” of men and that view of heterosexuality makes it seem toxic to me even before they use it as an excuse to exclude homosexual people from having their families recognised as “real”. In the view of marriage where men and women are opposites and are forced to take opposite roles I think few women and not all men can be said to “enjoy” their difference which can easily become a divide of misunderstanding and exploitation. I am not saying all marriages between a man and a woman are necessarily unhealthy, but not all are based on an essential and universal “difference” either!

But also if mothers and fathers are so important for a child’s well-being, why does the church have such a poor history of listening to them. Why can’t mothers and fathers in the church get together and produce a document on what is best for children, rather than a bunch of supposedly celibate men who have neither wives nor children themselves. Why in the past when mothers complained about their children being terrorised and abused in various ways by the clergy did the church not recognise their now supposedly God-given role in the centre of their child’s life and dismissed them as “hysterical”.

To me this document is very offensive coming from the same church that STILL refuses to confront the extent of the organised networks of child-abusers, to have any humility or reflexivity about what needs to be changed or even to reach out to LISTEN or give healing to victims of horrendous abuse.

I have prayed a lot about “Cardinal” George Pell this week. I feel very worried for him, he seems intending on appearing a soulless, heartless husk of a man. Can anyone really be so? I pray he will break down and feel pain to his core at what he has done. I don’t feel any sort of love for him whatsoever, only for his victims but I feel that he must be a human being somewhere in there…there must once have been a vulnerable little boy and hopefully even a well-meaning man in there though it is hard to see traces of that now (and I just can’t).

But he is a bishop of the Catholic church. He has long been too cowardly or arrogant to face the charges of child abuse and has made excuses to stay away all while hair-splitting about what Catholics are and aren’t allowed to believe.

The very idea of bishops lacks integrity while the church still tries to pretend the horrendous abuse never happened and then they try to tell us “gay marriage” is a threat to the safety and emotional and sexual health of children and families? They can say all this without shame? They can continue to persecute? I know a lot of lesbian couples who are bringing up children, have met at least one gay man who fosters with a lot of love and know others- lesbians and gays who childlessly live what seems to me to be a very Christlike and beautiful example of “two become one” in a love that flows between the couple and so out to the world in generosity and hope. Yes there are some heterosexual couples too who inspire in this way. My point is that this sort of love has NOTHING to do with the gender binary and everything to do with being radically committed in love and ready to make a long-term project of collaboration that affects every aspect of life (career, friendships, creativity, politics, faith).

But anyway whether gay marriage is “right” and “wrong” a bunch of bishops don’t get to make that decision citing the interests of children, when they can’t even face the widespread abuse of children perpetuated by some of them and ignored by others.

Let us pray. (Ineptly, inelegantly, but with great need)

Holy Spirit, by the fruits of our lives people may see whether or not our words are full of you. Teach us to listen carefully- to children and parents and lovers and friends who respect and nurture each other or who ask for our protection. Teach us to listen to the children and parents and lovers and friends who love and nurture each other and who are vulnerable or call to us for protection and justice. Teach us not to give too much heed to the voices of power that would silence your little ones or hide behind overly neat and structured hierarchies that allow abuse.

Sophia you danced with God “like a little child” from the beginning and were embodied in the baby-toddler-boy-youth Jesus who grew to adulthood in a less than respectable family. Give us grace to dance with all who truly love and to celebrate and protect the young and the hopeful, the old and the hurting.

Creator God you always queer our expectations and upset our ideas of “normal” in the breadth of diversity that is your creation. Help us to recover from our need to limit and control others for the sake of a “church” that we have built to consolidate human power not as a centre of your influence among us.

Make us wholly committed to your dream and your dance of love. Paint rainbows with us. Give healing to those who have been harmed. Give voice to those who cry out to you. Give us ears to hear the call to healing and peace.

Help us get through this time in history. Show me how to carry this stone in my heart and gut.

Loving God hear our tears.



12 thoughts on “The “best interests of children” is not best determined by bishops.

  1. Pauline Small

    I don’t know if that was a new booklet. There was one a year or so ago, from Anthony Fisher I think. I wrote a really caustic letter back to them. It was sent home through Catholic schools to memory. Anna and Warren were not impressed.
    Your writing describes your pain and anguish so well. There are so many layers of hurt in it, which is ironic given that it was written purportedly for the ‘benefit’ of children – in some ways I feel very sad for those judgemental men that they have so little ability to imagine the warmth and possibility in human relationships. All bound up in their self delusion…
    Poor God. Poor Stef.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. stefrozitis Post author

      Maybe you are right and it is not new…I was just not aware of it until now. I think you are right and they tell themselves that they really are trying to look after the interests of children (just like they are trying to “look after” women with all their sexist pronouncements about marriage, birth-control, gendered roles etc) but it is a very disrespectful way of doing it “From above” with no consultation of actual children or people whose every-day lives are with children. I think this is a very big flaw in the Catholic church and to some degree in other churches too. It’s akin to the “protector of the Aborigines” being a white colonist who had no clue about the people he was supposed to be protecting. Leadership without representation, without even the semblance of respectful contact is always going to do a lot of harm!


  2. livingliminal

    “But anyway whether gay marriage is “right” and “wrong” a bunch of bishops don’t get to make that decision citing the interests of children, when they can’t even face the widespread abuse of children perpetuated by some of them and ignored by others.”

    This is a reality that has greatly troubled me, too. And it’s not just a problem with the catholic church – the evangelical church has more than its fair share of child sex abuse horror stories and cover-ups. That is why I struggle so much with Lyle Shelton’s (Australian Christian Lobby) protests that his opposition to marriage equality is “for the sake of the children”. It’s funny, but can’t remember him campaigning so vigorously and passionately for the protection of children from the church, or preaching about the dangers children face in that space!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. stefrozitis Post author

      Yes I don’t think that the secular issue of how the state defines marriage is a religious issue in any case. But I am outraged they play the “What about the children” card…exactly as you say

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jeffrey Liakos

    If it comes down to children who are products of a same-sex relationship, either by adoption or artificial insemination, let them speak for themselves. The argument “think about the children” being used to deny legal recognition of same-sex marriage and/or parenting is absurd. Children have minds of their own, so they should be able to speak freely.


  4. Jeffrey Liakos

    Stefrozitis, some people may use the argument “think about the children” as grounds to challenge how having 2 parents of the same biological sex may affect children. When I put out the argument “think about the children” that many opponents of same-sex marriage would likely make, you said that you agreed, that children are people, not property. Some people claim that children should be seen and not heard. From the standpoint of same-sex parenting, if the child or children raised by raised by same-sex couples are as happy and well-adjusted as their peers who are raised by straight parents, would it not be a baseless claim that having 2 parents of the same sex is a bad thing? For the record, if you have same-sex couples that have children, either by adoption or in the case of a lesbian couple artificial insemination, what would the impact be on them and their children if the same-sex relationship was dissolved by not having legal recognition at the federal level. Some political leaders in the U.S. advocate a Constitutional Amendment to define marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What they miss is the fact that the Dictionary defines marriage as an interpersonal union. If people are concerned about stability of families, that alone should be grounds to allow legal recognition of same-sex marriage. The sexual orientation of parents should be a non-issue. Absolutely no studies have been found to validate in any way that having 2 parents of the same biological sex is a bad thing.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s